Four Ways to be the Perfect Mother :: A Satire

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Some women are natural-born mothers—they are Mary Poppins, Mother Goose, and Joanna Gaines wrapped into one perfectly-styled-Instagram-ready woman. They leave the hospital equipped with the knowledge and the how-to of being the perfect mother. There are no hesitations, questions, or sleepless nights because they have all the answers. And as one of these know-it-all mothers, I am here to share my wisdom with you. You are welcome!

  1. I’m never late.

    Having kids will mean that leaving your house on time can be a challenge. Not only do you have to get yourself ready, but now your miniature human is depending on you to also get them ready and out the door. My solution to being everywhere on time is to start the process of getting out the door seven hours before you need to leave the house. You need to be at school drop off at 8 a.m.? That means you start your day at 1 a.m. You have a doctors appointment at 3 p.m? You start the process at 8 a.m. Seem extreme? It’s not. This is the only solution to making sure everyone has clean socks, shoes on their feet, lunches prepared and packed, and in their car seat with time to spare. And let’s be honest, you aren’t sleeping anyway! Why not get up and be productive? That’s why god invented Starbucks and concealer.

  2. My endless supply of patience.

    When I left the hospital with my tiny bundles of joy, I also picked up an extra bundle of patience. Just kidding! Patience is definitely not sold in the hospital gift shop, but it is available through years of yoga, deep meditation, and calming exercises done in your free time. Keeping your cool while your kid has a meltdown in Target takes the strength of ten Navy Seals. To find this inner strength you only have to focus 95% of your free time to calming exercises (the other 5% should be spent sleeping). Your perfect child decides to not eat their dinner you spent hours preparing and throws it across the room? Close your eyes, take a deep breath, picture a serene tropical beach, and when you open your eyes, paste the largest smile on your face. In a calm, Mary-Poppins-like tone, you tell your child, “honey, we don’t throw our food. I know it is my fault for not giving you the chocolate cake and pizza you requested, and I have learned my lesson.” While you are cleaning up the mess, continue the deep breaths and say the calming mantra “My child is always right. My child is always right.” Problem solved!

  3. I never leave the house looking less than Instagram-ready.

    Yoga pants, messy bun, and sneakers are for the gym…NOT to be worn around the house, coffee shop or Target. There are endless videos on YouTube on how to contour your makeup, curl your hair and style your wardrobe so there are no excuses to looking like you just jumped off the Hot Mess Express. Remember, you are starting your day seven hours before you need to be somewhere, so adding another four hours into your daily routine will not be difficult. You’ll need to add another $250 into your weekly household budget for maintenance supplies like makeup, clothes, supplements, hair supplies, etc. And remember, once you have yourself looking like a Kardashian, your kids are next. It is never too soon to introduce your children to the magic of makeup and Instagram filters. Beauty comes from within, but you only get Instagram validation with your #OuterBeauty.

  4. My house is always ready to host the Queen of England.

    In order to be the perfect mother, your house also needs to reflect this perfection. Toys, craft supplies, laundry all have a time and place to be used and put away. I follow the Rule of Three in keeping my house organized and clean. You only allow your child to have three of something: three toys, three crayons, three pairs of socks, etc. Limiting their belongings to only three items will free up the space and time needed to keep your house cleaned and organized. Think your child will become bored with only three building blocks? This is the perfect opportunity to practice patience with them!

Perfect Mom
PC:: Ksenia Makagonova via Unsplash

As I hope you know this is complete satire and is in no way actual advice.

I am a card holding member of the Hot Mess Express. I have limited patience, a house that looks like it was decorated by Fisher Price itself, and I need at least three hours notice before anyone comes over or risk being submitted to the show Hoarders.

As mothers, we put WAY too much stress on being the perfect mother, when in reality our kids just want our love and attention.

Social media has put an extra layer of burden on mothers from the endless stream of judgmental comments to the perfectly styled pictures that in no way reflect reality. I hope you got a giggle or at least an eye roll from this post.

And remember, next time you start to feel like a failure, just start your day seven hours before you need to be anywhere!